Almost Three years ago. . .
. . .
New Years Eve/Day 2016!!
I went to watch the St. Petersburg firework display with a friend from high school. We where intending to be roommates afterwards but I couldn’t stay after what happened.
I don’t sleep well. I take sleep aids. If I don’t get the recommend eight hours under it and I wake up early I’m a groggy immobile zombiw for a good 10-15min before I ever even nudge to get my phone. I fight to pry my eyes and mind open.
The fellow was my best friends ex. A good guy. Crazy how I still think so highly of him yet. He was sweet and offered great rent to help me get out of my situation. I was 20. Life an adventure I took it like the wind.
The firework show was grand. A Magical twinkle full of promising hopes for the new year. We walked five miles to see the fireworks. So we took a cab back to the motel and called it a night.
I took my sleep aid or I’d be up till sunrise yet excited about the new year ahead. Twas deffiniatly after 12 probably more close to 1am Not long after that I was lights out. . .
The alarm blasted at eight and I wasn’t so awake when I felt his hands exploring me. I turned me head to look him in the eye and he asked me a question about it. I tried to mumble but I know I didn’t come out with anything audible enough to alert his end. He took it as a mumble of enjoyment. Continuing on he did I weighed myself to roll off the bed. I coughed and got myslf together on the floor. He was irritated and demanded we leave the hotel for check out. I wanted to shower but was met with anger I didn’t want to see. So I quietly packed up my bag and cleaned myself up in the sink quickly before we checked out.
He knew I wasn’t alright with what happened and he tried to make it up to me. We went to a boardwalk to look at the ocean. I looked out at the chopping green waters on that first sunny day of 2016. I felt so many emotions. I still feel like I’m on that dock looking for what I felt I lost.
I lost my best friend. We try to fix the problems but I havnt been open enough with anyone since that day.
I lost a friend. He was a true friend. We had some feels prior but not on the same page because I valued my best friend. And you don’t go after besties ex. It’s bad girl code.
I lost my sexual appetite. I no longer get off during sex. It truly wrecks me now. I enjoy sex for the most part. But I NEVER get off anymore. I havnt had an orgasm in years. I fear that zombie play time will keep me from enjoying times to come for years yet.
I was so sexually proud and for myself before then. I entered a dark repression afterwards. I won’t say depression. I am not sure I fit that description though some days I surely do. I repressed the event. Coughing it off as a miscommunication and sleep aid shenanigans. Only recently have I accepted that as a sexual assault. Though I pushed the dude away not long after the event. It took time for me to understand it for what it was.
We tried to be roommates. We had done agreed to trying it out Though it was weird. I felt obligated. I didn’t want to back out on moving. I thought I could work past it. I didn’t keep myself fooled long. It Only lasted five days I think. He was forward with his agenda on getting with me. I thought back n forth if I could handle the situation. Twas my first experience leaving home and from the get go I was abused n fucked around with it by someone I trusted n valued.
He never intended for his actions to hit me the way they did. I never thought that I’d be belittled in such a situations. I thought I of all folks got a voice. But that was muted. Be it my sleep aids, shock, enjoyment, over thinking mind whatever the reason I was silent.
Since then I have been trying to gain my sexual arousal back. I want so badly to get off. Since then with guys I’ve had to stop the encounters because of flashbacks. It’s so inconvenient the power these memories hold within me. I hate to stop in the act, I know guys take it to heart and it makes me guilty. Now I feel foolishly guilty for consenting just to reverse the proposal due to a mind flux. That they had no clue what they did. I then stay being sad n sorry for ending the encounters and over steaming why that dudes zombie plays mess with me still to this day.
♡ All I can say to anyone in similar shoes is that it’s okay to not know now. Time will tell you what you need to know. It will take so much more time and work to enjoy myself to the same lights again. And that’s okay. Take all the time you need. Recovery is different in every such instance. Acceptance comes in your own time. Know you’re not enduring in thoughtful silences alone. ♡
With love for myself and all the sad eyes I’ve seen scream their silent struggles I now finally share in hopes that I will heal and inspire.
Until We Meet Again
Under The Same Moon